Why Men Leave… Becoming A Hero To A New Woman
Have you ever dated a man who left you and then became committed to another woman?
If yes, was he by chance going through a transition in his life?
You know what I mean, a guy who might have been struggling and then turned his life around. He might have been starting a new business, he might have been going through a tough divorce or he might have been in between jobs. Either way, you met him during his transition.
You being the nurturer, stood by him during this time. You didn’t care if he couldn’t pay for dates. You didn’t mind paying for vacations. You listened and opened your heart when he talked about his ex. You supported him in his new endeavors. In fact, you were his greatest cheerleader.
Then all of a sudden, he leaves.
The minute his life is turned around, the minute he can stand on his own two feet, the minute he doesn’t need you anymore… poof! he’s gone.
Jonathon, this is lame! Why does this happen and how can I turn it around?
Glad you asked and I have your answer.
In fact, PART 1 of the Why Men Pull Away ~ 3 Ways To Keep Him Close workshop, a caller asked a similar question. It was around the 46 minute mark of the call and I gave the why, plus how to recognize the man who leaves vs. the man who is all in. There are several reasons why men pull away, why men disappear and why men leave.
The common reason why men leave after you stand by him and fix him to become a hero to a new women is what I call: The Bright Shiny Penny
When you met your guy did he talk a good game, but his life was going nowhere? Did he have big plans, but no actions to back it up? Was he kinda down? Was his ego kinda shot? Did you notice if his self-esteem was low? Was he not really feeling good about himself?
If all this sounds kind of familiar, did you feel used and thrown away like garbage when he turned his life around and left? Did he make a commitment to a new woman right after you?
Jonathon, how could this happen? I was so there for him. I stood by him when no other woman would. What an asshole!
The main reason why he LEFT was because he was ASHAMED. You saw him at his WORST. You saw him while he was DOWN. He didn’t feel like a hero to you. He felt WEAK as a man. In fact, he questioned if you even respected him.
But Jonathon, none of that stuff mattered to me. I loved him.
Dear friend, I get it. But to a man and his ego, he doesn’t ever want to be perceived as weak. So the minute he turns his life around, the minute he’s on his own two feet, the minute he feels good about himself, he leaves to be a “bright shiny penny” to someone new.
Here’s the good news, not all men leave to become a hero to someone new. In fact, there’s really only one way to determine if he views you as indispensable when his life turns around.
Do you know what makes a woman indispensable to a man? Can you guess what keeps men “all in” after they turn their life around?
Would love to hear from you.
I have a feeling they have no remorse about it either. Maybe they feel bad because they made an ex feel bad (guilt) but not for treating her like complete crap.
“Do you know what makes a woman indispensable to a man? Can you guess what keeps men “all in” after they turn their life around?”
I’m surprised you’re asking *us* this question while holding yourself out as the expert.
Do you have a product in your roster that takes care of this? Because I’d buy that. I’m afraid of something like that happening right now — since you all keep exhorting us “not to give up” and to “keep putting ourselves out there” — and it wouldn’t be the first time, either.
And I can’t imagine I’m the only woman who’s dealt with this problem.
Hi Jonathan, this really spoke to me as I fear exactly this happening, but am not sure if I’m being paranoid. I listened again to the 46-minute mark of the recording, that plus we’re both 32, so I might have missed something or I need different advice altogether.
We broke up 6 months ago (just prior to that he took 2 months of space from me with no contact, it ended with me going over to his place wanting an explanation of his withdrawal and him ending the relationship since “I wanted an answer now”)
3 weeks after the breakup he reached out and we started reconnecting. He asked for us to date exclusively (no dating other people, and no bf/gf labels) and he doesnt want a relationship. I can understand the latter as he got his phd last year but hasn’t gotten a job since (waiting for one that he can really sink his teeth into). We had dated for 2 years; in the second year he went through depression and prostatitis. Now he’s exercising and going vegan to improve his health (there has been improvement, yay!) and I’m proud of him for not giving up.
Having read your other articles, i guess he’s not commitment-ready and still far from being a provider, but I still don’t understand why he would carry on with the exclusive dating thing. Does this mean he is being selfish (hard for me to think of him this way), or does he need more time? Should i wait to see if getting a job changes things?
We used to date once a week and check in via text everyday (I’m busy with my work and other social commitments). But I noticed he never really asked about me or my life, mostly kept talking about himself or what he recently read or watched on youtube, so I asked if he was still interested in me or is he interested in someone else. He said if he wasn’t interested in a relationship he wouldn’t be interested in anyone period.
Lately we’ve been meeting less and in the past week he didn’t contact me for 5 days till I texted him. I speculated that he might be frustrated over the job search and thought to give him space and let him reach out when he’s ready.
Another thing is, we have a mutual friend who’s gotten closer to him (and more distant from me) in the past year and I know they do go out 1-on-1 together. I never used to be jealous or restrict him from meeting female friends as I too have male friends but now that we are in this ‘gray’ area, I worry he may become that bright shiny penny to her. I know for a fact he tells me more about his life, his problems and job search frustrations, and he tells her about other more ‘positive’ things in his life. Is this normal or should I worry?
I’m now telling myself to distance myself from him and focus on myself; if he doesn’t text I’m not going to reach out. What would you advise for the short and long term please Jonathon?
I’ve been told I tend to be controlling, and I am trying to be more relaxed and less anxious. I certainly did not react or handle well his request for space (who knew it would take 2 months! and he couldn’t give me a reason why).
Appreciate your thoughts on what he’s thinking!
Oh my God, are you really that weak, needy and dare I SAY egotistical yourself??
Not all women are nurturers, so lets stop that tall tale!! There are plenty of MEN who stood by their woman at her worse, only to have her rebound, then find new love (excitement) else where. This is not a strictly one gender hurting another, this is HUMAN, plain and simple.
10 of my best male friends, decent guys were left emotional wrecks when my sisters in the sisterhood did the same to them. So lets face facts, when it comes to hurting others Women and MEN both are truly EQUAL. That is my rant sisters!