When Men Go “Missing In Action” While Dating
Have you ever had a man you’re dating just disappear on YOU?
Let’s say you’re in a relationship with a man, maybe it’s been about 3, 6, 9 months or longer. For the most part the relationship is grand. The initial chemistry was off the charts, the emotional connect you have with him is like nothing you’ve ever experienced.
You’ve really formed a bond with this man and he’s your best friend. He has said the “L” word and he’s even hinted at long term commitment or marriage. He states you’re like nobody he has ever dated and he wants you in his life. He includes you in much of his daily activities and you feel pretty secure. The early stages of dating him was pretty intense and now you’ve settled into a nice routine. When you think back to your last relationship and look at him, there’s no comparison. He’s just gotta be the one.
You’ve accepted him for where he’s at in his life and support him when he has problems. Sure he has some baggage, but heck, so do you.
He might be dealing with an issue at work. He might be dealing with his “ex” wife. He might be having problems with his kids. He might be struggling financially.
All of these issues are weighing on him and you look at him and say “baby, I’ve got your back.”
Because he’s going through all of this, you don’t dump your problems on him. You keep to yourself and keep the pressure to a minimum. You just want to be there for him because when the pressure is off, the relationship is great. You’re the most loving and supporting partner. His problems are your problems, because that’s what partnership is all about. You’re the prefect girlfriend and he should be grateful he has you in his life. He’s so lucky to have you, because you accept him “warts and all.” For the most part you’re really happy and you’re waiting for things to get a just little bit better.
Then, all of a sudden a shift happens.
He’s not calling as much. He’s not returning texts as fast as he used to. He’s been busy and doesn’t have as much time for you. You’re still intimately connected, but you know something is going on. You give him the benefit of the doubt, because he has so much on his plate, but something is just not right.
Then the worst thing happens, he goes M.I.A.
That’s right, he’s “missing in action.”
No contact, no text, no calls, no nothing… nada. Since you know men need their cave time, you figure it’s ok. In fact, you’ve even encouraged him to take space when he needs it.
But now he’s literally disappeared.
You might be wondering… Did I do something wrong? Is he hurt? Has he meet someone else? Is he just not that into me anymore?
You’ve been nothing but kind, loving, supportive, generous, caring and communicative. The two of you are soul-mates, he’s your twin flame… he knows it and you know it. But he has fallen off the face of the earth. How could he do this to me?
You keep texting him, but nothing happens. You make up reasons for him to contact you and still no response.
Then, FINALLY he reaches out to you. What seemed like weeks was really only a few days, but nonetheless, it felt like forever. He says he’s sorry and just needed a little space. He goes on & on about his stuff and apologizes for blowing you off. He says he didn’t want to bother you and he needs to take care of things. He tells you not to worry, all is good.
It’s all so confusing. He says “you’re the most honest, trustworthy, loving, giving, beautiful soul, he has ever known.” You’re not very demanding and you’re a really easy girlfriend.
Now that he is back in contact, you forgive him and figure all will be good.
After a few days or weeks, something still is just not right… he’s off. The relationship isn’t the way it used to be, you feel like he is taking you for granted. You are starting to feel more and more shut out.
You might be thinking…
Why isn’t he respecting my feelings? Why is he now shutting me out? Why is it I’m bending for him? Why is it that I’m the giver and get little in return?
This is a common occurrence, in fact all too common. Before a relationship gets on really solid footing, there’s going to be some bumps and maybe even a few storms. It’s natural for a man to pull back from time to time. How you handle these set backs will make all the difference between a DRAMATIC END or the road to deeper intimacy.
Even in my own relationship, I did a major pull back.
Yes it’s true, even though I’m deliriously in love right now and can’t imagine my life without my beloved, I did pull away (actually, more than once).
My sweetheart knew just what to do when this happened. She handled me in just the right way and I was drawn right back to her when I pulled away. As I think back to when this happened, as a coach I took notes of how she reacted and the way she approached me, which I can now share with YOU.
In fact, there are 3 Things You Can Do To Keep Him Close when this happens to YOU. My girlfriend did this and it might work for you too.
I’ll give you a hint, men rarely ever leave for good when they are HAPPY. So ask yourself this, are you really happy in your relationship? Then ask yourself, is he really happy in this relationship? If the answer is yes, chances are it’s only a short term bolt by him and if you don’t freak out and chase him, he’ll be back in no time.
The biggest problem I have as a woman with the way this stuff is marketed is that we, as women, can’t do anything to MAKE men do anything. AMOF, not only does the culture tell us that, but it also ingrains in men a “You can’t tell me what to do” kind of attitude.
So the first problem I have with it is that it’s a system that sets women up to invest time (and money, for those who buy the product) in failure.
The bigger problem I have with it is how it tries to make *women* responsible to fix *men’s* bad behavior.
We work the same hours men do – and often more — for less money. We have to spend more time and effort — and more money, which costs us more in real wages because we get paid less — on appearing practically perfect because “men are visual” (there’s an entire potential rant in there, but I want to stay on topic).
And on top of all that, we’re encouraged — no, EXPECTED — to invest more time and effort into something that not only has the potential to be fruitless, but is in fact not our responsibility to solve?
I’m sorry, I’m just not buying it.
Jonathon Aslay says
You can’t do anything to make men do anything… what does that mean?
When have I suggested that women be responsible for fixing men’s behavior? My philosophy is to help women make better choices and that’s what I teach.
Lastly, expectations is the mother of disaster. I’m personally in a relationship of partnership and agreement, kinda grateful she doesn’t have expectations that I can’t meet.
This whole article is a joke. If any women reads this and thinks this is good advice are completely delusional and need to actually work on their self esteem. Because that behavior is not ok and your saying not to hold them you know what I’m not even gonna use my emergyb explaining how your dumb lol…this is just straight funny haha type shit.
Jonathon Aslay says
Hello, Faye, Thank you for sharing your POV.
“When have I suggested that women be responsible for fixing men’s behavior? “
Um … right in the title of your product?
3 Things YOU Can Do to Keep MEN Close?
I’m assuming the “you” is not supposed to apply to the men.
Instead, it’s an exhortation for *women* to do more and yet more.
Good call! Where is Jonathan’s reply to your answer to his question???
My bf and I first started 5 years ago in 08′ and we broke up a month later. We didn’t talk about it because he didn’t want to even though I wanted to but I finally got over him and moved on. Until this year in March, he added me on fb and he never did that before so that’s when I had a feeling that he wanted to talk and get back together. He msged me asking for my number again and we began texting each other. I went to see him on the 27th of March when he got back from Philly. He suddenly wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. He then said “I’m sorry.” I asked “about? about what happened to us?” He said “yeah I was young and stupid.” He asked for my hand and wrote “Tiffany I love you.” After that, we talked about both of our pasts and relaitonships. He said that I changed and I know its a good thing because after our first breakup, I gotten stronger. He told me about his personal issues that he has with his ex and he was worried that she would do something to me because he said that shes crazy and that she wouldn’t let him go, always msging him with different names. So we started going out again and I gave him a second chance. We talked about our future together because he asked me to marry him. But now hes MIA and its almost been half a year well 5 months. I know he has A LOT of problems because I find things out or his friends tells me. And I haven’t heard anything from him but last night, I think he called me with a block id because hes the only one that would hide his number. He called me like 5 times but I missed the calls but 2wen I finally answered, he hangs him but I could hear noises in the background. I don’t know if hes scared to talk to me or what. I just never felt this much pain not the pain from cheating but a pain where I can shut myself off. I just want answers from him because I deserve to know the truth. What should I do when he can’t simply talk to me?
Jonathon Aslay says
What should you do? You should live your life as if you didn’t know him. A boy plays games like he is doing. A man knows what he wants, his actions match his words and a relationship with a man should be relatively easy… when you’re with a man you will fell happy and not on edge. So which do you prefer, a man or a boy? My heart goes out for you because you sound very sweet and deserve a man.
I prefer a man and I thought he was because we talked about our future together and already made up names for our kids. But I never knew he would be like this. He tells me that he’ll change not because I wanted him to but he wanted to do it for himself. I know he has flaws but he can be protective of me. Most of the time, I’m happy that hes not here because I don’t have to continue feeling that same pain and hurt and the betrayal but sometimes, I feel like I miss him whenever I see his name or hear about him. I guess techniquelly we didn’t break up but I feel like I never really got back with him again because now I know everything he tells me were all lies but I just want him to tell me the truth himself instead of hearing from people. You know?
I have an ex that just did this to me 2 weeks ago. he pulled back. He said the day before and the whole year that he is in love with me and wants to marry me (im waiting for a divorce to be final) and he wants me to be his forever. One day he just says he cant do us right now. He is struggling financially, had to move with his mom after losing his job. etc etc. We are very connected so yea it hurts but if hes doing it to help himself, i am all for it no matter what happens. I just have this weird peaceful (gut) feeling that he’s just going to come back out of the blue. He wanted so badly to propose to me 6 months ago. I think he’s pulling back because he needs to get himself straight and mindfully prepared to settle down. We are on no contact right now so i am respecting his privacy and his life.
It’s all BS games! If a man wants to be with you– it’s simple, he’ll be with you! This is not rocket science ladies!
When you have to wonder, call him on it. Are you blowing me off because your actions sure tell me that?
Are you willing to let some guy leave you wondering, waiting, questionsing his behavior, hoping he’ll call, making no plans with other people in case he wants to see you? To heck with that!! I’ve done it (more than once!) and I refuse to allow myself to be second choice, second place,or whatever “reason” that he engineers to explain away why I’m not a priority! If the guy is already allowed to treat you with less regard you are setting yourself up for failure and being taken for granted. Try this: turn the tables. You call the shots, you don’t answer his calls, return texts in a day or two, make plans where you are your priority, MIA— take some time to do some girl stuff. You don’t have to be available all the time, are you at his beck and call? Hell no!
And when the idiot figures out he can’t take you for granted, well maybe he’ll realize how great you are!! That is if another Smart guy hasn’t already turned your head?!
Top answer Maggie
This is the best mf answer right here. Follow this advice and keep yourself open and available for opportunities that are worthy of you NOT waiting wondering wishing and hoping for someone who is proving with ACTIONS (no matter what words they say) that you aren’t a priority, that you and your ?sweet heart?and vulnerable feelings (assuming these have been shared with him, if not and no relationship exists yet then you’re being clingy crazy and you need to back off now completely) matter enough for him to put himself in your shoes and realize how painful and disrespected he would feel or at least try to imagine (empathy) how you might feel!
If you are happy and in a mutually agreed relationship/connection, would YOU do this to him?
Can you justify not being able to take a few minutes to return a text/call or call you?
Not even just to say “hey I’m really struggling right now but I’ll call you as soon as I can I’m sorry” you’d want to reassure him right? He would too if he’s loyal, in love and mature.
If he gets THAT freaked out about anything and alienates you/goes silent he’s not mature enough for the type of relationship you deserve anyway.
Take the time he’s “MIA” to do some serious work on your self esteem, sel-love and self worth. Get therapy, vent, spend time with your girls and family, meditate, exercise, practice self care, be open to new connections.
Be *All about you* now, the reason you would be clinging to someone like this anyway is bc you have low self worth and the obsessive intrusive need for external validation.
Learn to cultivate those things from within and walking away from these goobers will be a no brainer.
You don’t need to buy a book from a man about how to be a strong self sufficient and assured woman.
You got this!!!
Look for my book soon!
Jonathon Aslay says
Thanks for sharing…
my bf went to the Philippines for holiday last Sunday for the first time with his 2 body guard, he was in Puka Beach… he still texted me telling me everything was fine not to worry… he is having a great time enjoying the island hopping the sun set the sun rise…. he was there for few days… we still text each other but not as much as it use to be… so my thinking is that i am working he is enjoying his holiday he wouldn’t want to disturb me while i was working…. the last text from him is was on Thursday evening telling me that they will be heading to Bacolod City in another Island in Philippines…. at the same time i was telling him that my summer vacation will be in few more days… his last text was when is the date again? the text was a hanging text ever since i didnt hear from my bf for the past 3.5 days…. i am so worried now… i try to text him and his both body guard that their phone all are disconnected. please help…. i am super worried now.
Leah Azander says
I never be in any relationship before. Yea our relationship going on for not too long and he did say he loves me so much, when i be at his place i could feel his love but for sometimes i dont feel that. After few days at his place i go home, text him like usual that night but suddenly he acts strange, and more stranger next morning after that day he M. I. A. Is he using me or trying to pulled off or what? Should i search for him or continue my life?
What a load of horseshit is it any surprise that a man publishes an article telling women not to have expectations of men. All about what’s mayonnaise and what the man’s going through and how the woman can support him. I’m over the new fangled idea that you’re not allowed to have expectations in a relationship. You have needs and the other person is expected to meet them that is the entire point of a relationship. I feel really bad for this guy’s girlfriend. I would be surprised and disappointed to find out she still putting up with this 4 years later.
Marianne Castillo says
When I read this I laughed because clearly a man wrote it . It’s horrible, I hope no one out there takes this article seriously. There are much better things written about this topic elsewhere. If a man wants to disappear like that than there needs to be a serious talk in my opinion.
I hope the guys realize how horrible it is to MIA.. i wont msg all the details (tired to repeat and relive) but this guy whom i trust, and really believe in.. has been missing for more than 5 years from out last talk. I am having a hard time locating him and his family so I can’t find him till today. All i want is closure now, i just want to know what happened why and move on. I have move passed crying, fear and anger.. i just want closer. So, to all the cowardly guys out there who can’t be honest, can’t face the truth, keeps women hanging from the edge, loves ghosting.. etc. it’s better to be honest and tell us the truth. Women will be hurt and cry if the man she loves leaves. But she will find true love eventually. And will move on.. i think its better to get hurt knowing than hurt clueless..