Online Dating Made Easy through Spotlight Coaching… Ashley’s Story
One of my Spotlight Coaching clients, Ashley, wrote the group a progress report to tell us how she is doing with online dating. She has discovered a lot and knows she has more to learn, but she’s making great strides. Here it is in her own words…
One thing that I have observed is my own reactions to this unknown territory that I am choosing to explore. I did not plan to write the progress report; it just flooded out in its very raw state, not polished in any way.
This may sound accusatory, but it is not. I am not accusing the men, rather sharing what happened, what I learned, and what my limitations are. This is new for me. I can’t tell you how great it is to admit to myself that I don’t know it all and that I don’t need to fix anything. I am just enjoying learning, growing, and stepping into who I am while understand the world around me more. It’s been a pleasure sharing thoughts with you as always.
Here is a progress report. After Internet dating for the past month, I am much wiser and less naive. I’ve learned a lot of lessons:
- The biggest thing I have learned is not to get emotional about any contact. Just because they contact you does not necessarily mean it’s sincere. It’s just a contact, nothing more.
- If they write long, detailed emails wanting to get close to you emotionally, they are probably a Catfish. They want you to get hooked on the feel-good fix so when they have a drama and ask for money, they prey on your integrity of being committed to finding love.
- Watch for men who keep viewing your profile without contacting you. I will leave why to your imagination.
- Watch out for men who say you need pampering and ask if you like going to a spa. When they say something like, “You work too hard… I like to pamper my lady”, they usually are playing big so they can lead you into sex talk.
- Beware of Skype talk. It can be an opportunity for them to expose themselves to you. (Yes, it happened, and I was just talking about work.)
- All guys I have met have been staying online and have been visibly active on the dating site… this seems to be the norm now. Even after eight dates.
**Note from Jonathon: Yes, it is normal for a man to continue being active on a dating site even if he’s seeing you, but it may not be as often as it seems. If a man receives an email from a dating site and opens the email, he will show as active on the site, whether he actually went to the URL or not.**
- Not having a dating map can be weakening, because if you are clear and have a plan, you can get through the icky bits, especially with Jonathon and the Angels! Thank you all for helping me get through the icky bits.
Now that I have the basics down and a good idea of what men might do during contact, I’m ready for more. What I would like to learn now is how to know who to approach and what gets the best results. I’m also not sure about waiting to be contacted. How do I know when to approach a guy I like the looks of? I know Jonathon’s Spotlight Coaching will help me do this.
So now for the results—so far I have dated:
- One Catfish!
- One guy I normally would say no to…I am trying the 90-day keeping it light. No sex, just getting to know each other and kissing. I wish he was sexy.
- One guy I really liked and had a physical attraction to, but he went poof even after writing me poems.
- One guy who was amazing to get on with though email, and on Skype he turned out to be a flasher! I am glad I have a sense of humor and a switch off button.
Mr. 90-Day Light has cooled off a bit, although he talks about the future and has put a date in the diary for a couple of work related events. He is online every day, and this makes me stick to being aware of what I don’t like about him rather than looking at the positives.
I am aware it’s important to stay positive and not go for someone just because they are there. I have learned a lot by doing this 90-day light dating… and who knows, it might grow into a good thing. I give it 4 out of 10 so far. I have been honest with him by telling him it’s good to get to know each other more etc. Not sure I want to continue with this, as I do not feel uplifted when I have seen him, and I really don’t think about him at night or in the morning. I think you can get different sorts of partners.
I am clear now that I need a sexy man, not just a companion. It seems morals, manners and gentlemanly behavior are disappearing… the new kind of man to date online has not been much fun so far. I have really cleaned up my thoughts, and I read my 50 Things I Love about Men often. So this is it… I’m feeling a bit unmotivated but seeking a new and better way of being. What will happen later? Much love to you all… Ashley
Her progress report shows a deeper level of understanding men and herself than she had just a few weeks ago. It’s amazing what can happen when you open yourself up to dating and enjoy it for what it is. If you’d like to join Ashley and have some progress of your own, become a Spotlight Coaching member and interact with our amazing group of lovely women who are learning, growing, and enjoying the dating process.