Men Don’t Call It Friends With Benefits, They Just Say They’re Not Ready For a Serious Relationship
When a relationship with sex is not serious, isn’t it really just friends with benefits (FWB) or a booty call? During a recent conversation with a guy who shared his current dating habits I realized an interesting pattern with a lot of men. Here’s the thing, he thinks he is OPEN and HONEST with the woman he is seeing and sleeping with by stating he’s not ready for a serious relationship. He considers himself to have total integrity, even though deep down he knows she’s really just a booty call and it’s not going anywhere.
In the early stages of dating, both men and women might state they’re not looking for a serious relationship for fear of scaring each other off. So they begin dating casually to have fun, explore the chemistry, fill space, and get to know one another as friends. The discussion of long term desires might be brushed aside in the beginning until one person has feelings (more often it’s the woman).
Here’s the challenge of dating a man who’s not serious: As soon as he senses your feelings going deeper, he might energetically pull back and reinforce his original statement of why he’s not ready for a long term relationship. When a man tells you he’s not ready for a serious relationship and you continue to see him, he feels he’s being totally honest and that you’re both on the same page.
Now today, many relationships start off as casual. There is a mutual exchange going on with companionship, attention, appreciation and sex. Dinners out, going to the movies, meeting friends and concerts in the park are all part of the dating process and getting to know one another, and yet there is still no guarantee even if he says he’s serious.
In my eCourse, The Relationships Men Commit to and Why, we discuss the Power of 3. What’s that Jonathon? Glad you asked. One principle in the power of 3 is the first three months of a relationship, this is the getting-to-know-you phase and even if you’re absolutely clear you want something serious, his actions will determine whether or not you’re a friend with benefits or a serious possibility. The random hook up or the occasional hanging out is often a mask for a booty call or FWB for many men. The casual relationship on the other hand has a lot more going on including spending time together, attending social activities, meeting friends and hopefully a friendship being developed.
Friendship with care (caring) is usually the shifting factor for men going from casual to commitment potential. When a man begins to truly care about you and your feelings, or he senses you care for him, his integrity alarm will begin to sound, Alert! Alert! Alert! time to check in and be totally honest about the future. This is the time he makes a choice to forge ahead and move the relationship to the next level, or to pull back and either let the relationship die a slow death, or rip the band-aid off altogether and bolt.
Truthfully, a man’s real honor comes out when he begins to care about YOU.
Now for the sake of this blog, what does a “serious relationship” mean? For example, what about the man who starts off by saying he’s not looking to get married, one question you might want to ask is, “Is that forever or for right now?” Rarely do men say they will never marry (mainly because they know their chances of having sex will drop to almost zero) and yet the last thing he wants to do is to give you hope until he’s certain about a long-term commitment.
Let’s face it, all of this is relationship stuff can be tricky and a man’s ability to be relationship ready is often a result of how grounded his life is, does he have passion & purpose about the future and does he see a woman by his side. When a man’s life is broken and filled with issues, chances are he can’t commit to anything more than the next time they see each other. Many women are attracted to this man because they believe if they fix him, “he will be mine”.
The reality is that the first year of dating is a journey into how much you care for one another, are you happy together, can you work through any differences and the possibility of setting roots for long term commitment. Actions are what matters most and IMHO booty calls are obvious and everything else is really the journey to LOVE.