You Just Never Know, When To Take A Chance On LOVE
In the search for love, when does wisdom override chemistry and connection?
Over the years I have heard this phrase You Just Never Know (over and over again) as the rationale for taking a chance. Let’s face it, love comes with risks so why not take a chance? And yet wisdom often comes from the mistakes we make and then making different choices. So when you meet a guy with whom you have amazing chemistry and emotional connection; however, his life is complicated with raising children, a nasty ex wife, building his professional career, or maybe he’s looking for work… do you take a chance? What if he openly admits you could be second or even third on his list… do you take a chance?
Before you jump on the chemistry bandwagon, take a moment to consider your audience. What I mean is, take a moment to consider to whom you should give your heart. If you are like most of my clients, you’re seeking a serious relationship and long term commitment. So ask yourself, is the guy I’m dating right for me? Well before you ask that question, ask yourself this, what does a relationship look like for me? Do I want a relationship where we see each other once or twice during the week and spend weekends together? Do I want a relationship where we share mutual activities and hobbies? What about spending time with family or friends? What about being on the same page when it comes to finances, how important is it to you to being on the same page? Lots of questions to ask and we haven’t even touched the surface.
When I published my eCourse The Relationship Men Commit to and Why, I outlined what I consider one of the most important aspects of creating a long term relationship, this is called: Continuity. Like fingers on a glove, there are 5 areas of continuity that form the roots to a long term commitment. Those are economic agreement, emotional connection, activities & hobbies, family & friends and intimacy. When your relationship is running smooth in these areas you have a chance for relationship success.
So the next time you say You Just Never Know, ask yourself, do I know enough about this guy before I give my heart? Can we blend lives in the long run? Does he have balance and direction in his life or is he just floating by? Guys who have their head on straight usually make better choices for long term commitment, just saying.
Excellent, totally agree! The more I date, the more I realize that it is a big deal to commit my life to a man. I am finally at the point where I am not going to marry just for the sake of having a companion. I would rather be alone than be with a man who is not right for me.
This is probably a stupid question but I’m going to ask it anyway. I was involved in a long distance relationship with a man that Told me he was divorced. I had no reason to doubt him. A year after we had been seeing each other he admitted to still being married but stated that they were separated. He claims he was afraid to initially tell me because he feared I would not give him a chance since I made it very clear I did not date married men. It took a while but a forgave him and gave him another chance. He promised to never lie to me again. Skip to 3 years later and numerous red flags and arguments about visiting his one and excuses as to why his divorce was not final, I learned that he was not only still married but that they had been living together the entire time. This time he stated that he had alot going on in his life with business and family problems and did not want to involve me or upset me. Needless to say, I ended the relationship a year ago. He has recently contacted me to tell me that he and his wife are officially separated and has asked me to “take a chance on love again” . To understand why he did what he did and to trust him once again. Jonathan? After everything, I still care for this man deeply. I am empathetic to his mistakes because I too have made many mistakes in my life. I guess my question to you is… From a mans perspective…. Do you believe that a man that lies to this extent can ever be trusted or should ever be trusted? He doesn’t seem to understand how much pain his lies have cost me. And I’m not sure how to ever trust him again.
Jonathon Aslay says
Are you willing to risk getting hurt if you give him another chance? Love is a risk, and yet he has shown you the type of man he is, am I right?
Why do you think he has changed?
This article is very well done. I’ve had to consider this myself recently. I met someone who is not ideal short term (schedules, living in different cities, limited contact, etc.), but long term we’re a good match. While I don’t know exactly where this will take us, I’m willing to take a chance on this guy and see where it goes. Sometimes you have to look at the long term payoff vs the immediate when it comes to a relationship.
Very wise advice, Jonathon. Experience teaches us the hard way that chemistry is not enough to sustain a long term relationship. I appreciate the glove analogy for the 5 areas of continuity. I find this to be so true.