Why is it some women seem to have amazing men in their life and others attract cheaters & liars?
Why are some women in relationship with loving men and others are complaining there are no good men out there….. does your inner story really matter?
Why can some women attract commitment ready men and other seem to meet the emotionally unavailable men who have issues?
Not all men are cheaters, liars, emotional unavailable and there is an abundance of really great men out there……..
Have you or someone you know ever been stuck in a story…
what did you do to CHANGE it?
I have had more than my share of “baddies”, and it’s taken me years to realise that – we get what we give, seriously, we have to have integrity and we have to be congruent. We also have to trust our instinct and say “no”. I’ve been in relationships with guys whom I KNEW really weren’t right for me, but I kept making excuses for them, so I suffered and wondered why “All men were b******” When, in fact, if I’d not even gone there in the first place – trusted myself more, and held onto my self-worth/self esteem I would have had space in my life for the “good” guys, and the baddie wouldn’t even have registered on my radar!!
yes jues trust yourself and leave space for good guys
Stories can be fun and sad. Sometimes we prefer to remember the sad ones, as they seem easier to recall. I have picked some real winners recently, but have come to realize both after and during the relationship (imaginary or otherwise) that it’s me, not them. I’m working on what I really want, how I want to feel and what stories I want to tell and to remember. This has become the “me” that I prefer to be with. I’m so new to this dating arena and while still floundering I am learning that it all starts with me!!! I’ve also learned that I do not need a man in my world to have great stories to tell, though wanting to share a great love story is never a bad thing 🙂
Cory I think you are right on what you said about it starting with you. This is something recently that I have learned and it actually makes me feel better about myself and my choices when it comes to men. I have had some really bad relationships and one bad marriage that for the longest time I thought it ruined who I was. Then one day it made sense that I needed to trust myself more. It seems since I have done that, and really worked through my “problems” in myself, then I have found it easier to be around and qualify men to be the ones I either want to be around or not. I have been a classic case of being stuck in a story and they was not good stories to be stuck in. Getting out seemed like a dead end track, but once I found it, its been amazing how it has shifted and I have more hope in finding someone to spend the rest of my life with than I ever did. The most important thing is we can choose which story we are going to be stuck in.
Big sigh…. okay. I have had way too many other things going on in my life to afford me the opportunity to be “present” in the various kinds of relationships I have had over the years. I was so pre-occupied and distracted by the things going on in my home life, that not only was I quick to misread and over- react to so many things,
I projected all of my current and past fears into everyone I came into contact with. I was just too raw, unsupported and improperly resourced to be anything other than what I was at the time. And the kicker? I really thought I was hiding it! I was trying sooo hard to prove that I was “okay” and that my life was not the nightmare that it was. I over-compensated for all my feelings of lack to such a degree that I contributed even more to my own instability.
These days, I have been granted a reprieve from the things in my homelife, I am settling in with myself, and by the grace of god, am able to see myself more clearly than I ever have. Its only possible because I don’t blame myself at all for what happened at home, and for being too small to fix things. So, in going easy with myself, forgiving myself and completely embracing myself I am able to see–just this afternoon, infact–how badly I misread things that were said to me by a guy I really liked this summer, and interpreted them completely out of context.
I felt very self-righteous in my attempts to “not be played,” and in my assertions against what I thought was inappropriate behaviour on his part. I got in his face about not talking to me about what happened, and I felt completely justified and vindicated when he backed off–very tactfully, I might add.
I was a mess last summer. He may have some things to explain, but nothing can change where I was coming from and my inability to see it, understand it or change it. I was helpless at the time, I was in too much turmoil. I clearly was out of line, off the mark, on another planet.
Looking back, when I wasn’t “nuts” he did talk to me, he demonstrated all the things I read Johathan say about the way men communicate, show interest and pursuit. I wish I had been in my right mind. I really liked him, and he liked me. I was in significant pain and he had no idea what my homelife was like until the very end. Even then, he still showed signs that I can only see now, that he cared about me.
So, I sit at the feet of virtual people like you, and draw near to myself. I cannot begin to express my appreciation for the streams of conversation, and the caliber of people who come together here. Thank you all for holding the space, and helping me to see more clearly the things I am ready and willing to see. 😉 Namaste.
So, it goes without saying, I had stories going on…. now I am tuning in to silence, stillness, spaciousness… my relationship ears are not ringing like they have been for years. My brain doesn’t hurt. My heart does, and I can finally pay attention to it, and learn how to tend to it without all the crazy-making noise.
I feel we get what we put out and if we hide what what we are scared, insecure it eventually comes out and not very well. So if we want a secure happy man we have to put out that and be authentic.
Thanks for jumping in and sharing your personal stories, I am truly honored.
On a personal note, I was SO stuck in several stories after my divorce centered around not being good enough, thinking nobody wanted me for who I am (and my baggage) and worse, thinking ALL women were gold-diggers.
For the past six years I have done SO much personal growth work and now take a step back every time my gremlins creep their ugly head.
Being in a new relationship (well not that new, almost a year old…. young), my stuff really comes out and I am SO grateful to have a partner who helps me break through my walls (as I do with her)….. how do we do it?
WE TALK, without judgment, WE LISTEN with an OPEN Heart, and WE SUPPORT each other….. I am lucky and grateful
I am truly blessed
I wish I could give you a big hug right now after reading what you said. Trust me I know exactly what you are talking about. I use to often wonder if I wasn’t “off my rocker” and displayed that type of things for several years towards men because of the chaos that seemed to peak its head in the doorway. I can also completely understanding not seeing someone is trying until it is to late. I had that happen last fall with a guy that I still think about today. I have although been back into contact with him lately, which is great thing I believe. Every time something happens that I could react as I did last year, I am finding I am reacting completely different and he is noticing this. One thing I did not know last year, was the things he was also going through to but now after we talked about it we both know what actually happened. There is hope although, you never know what your future may bring. I hope you find peace and happiness!
Thank you, Jess!
I appreciate your heartfelt response and compassion. Thank you so, so , so much. It is a process of learning, and I am happy to experience the pain of this positive, forward moving, albeit, imperfect seeking, rather than the pain of staying where I was. It feels good to learn how to get up and carry on.
Sometimes I am tempted to contact him and apologize, but I feel I have enough self-awareness to discern that I am not truly ready for that yet. I still have some work to do. Maybe later i won’t feel the same way. I know it’s good for me to observe myself “feeling what I feel” in response to the things I think about, and not act on them.
But, if I do feel the same way later, I will check in with myself again and take it from there.Who knows what will happen, but I don’t have to worry about it now, I can just let it be.
Anyway, bla, bla, bla… (((HUGS back!!)))
Laura S. says
But those Bad Boys are so HOT! lol!
Last spring when it seemed I was settling into a relationship with my BF, we had A Talk. He was going to get back together with his xgf….well maybe. Our good-bye kiss lasted 3 hours, finishing with, “See ya Monday.”
I went home and joined an online dating site and started chatting, then talking on the phone with a really “nice man” my niece dubbed Pretty Boy. He called me every night and kept a smile on my face. “Looking for a long term relationship and wife.” He lives over 3 hours away. After a few weeks we agreed to meet for a weekend, he would come out here, but I was upfront that I do not have men at my home and he would need to make motel or camping arrangements for himself. Of course he would! He would NEVER PRESUME to intrude on a lady’s space!
I had a nice weekend with him! He was HOT! He was PRETTY! I liked him! He kept wanting to come to my place. NO! I think he slept in his car out in the woods instead of the motel. I was seen in this podunk town with this hot out-of-towner, by bf’s friends. That was important.
When my niece found out I met in person a man I met on the internet, I got grilled! What’s his name? What’s his email? Does he have a website? You didn’t get in his car with him, did you? He could be a serial killer!
What set off my niece’s jerk alert? I thought the guy was hot and I really liked him.
In less than 3 minutes she found this charming man had lied to me about his name. His business license expired, he had not paid his taxes, stiffed his employees for wages and had mega judgements against him from everywhere. Oh, his wife hadn’t died, she was alive and well, he divorced her, she changed her name and is an administrator on someone else’s estate. The only thing he hadn’t lied about were the kids. Through the kids’ social pages were photos to verify it was the same man.
Stalker Niece is proud of her skills! She had all this before the man even got home from our weekend! Yes, he DID call to ask if I had a good time and to say he had a good time. I didn’t tip my hand.
She didn’t understand why I was laughing! It was just a date, I enjoyed myself, I had fun. My security had not been breached, my heart didn’t get broken. He did not come to my home or even into my neighborhood. I did not get into his car. I did not get into any situation where I did not have an advantage.
Within a few days my adorable, HONEST, loving, talented, debt-free Man o’ My Dreams had his arms around me, holding me snugly telling me it had been way too long since he’d held me. The x was a closed book.
I think one of the biggest problems I have is coming from abuse. its been in my life in one form or another. I have to always remind myself that the man I am dating now is good to me. I dont know what its like to not fear. I do now but its a struggle everyday. I have to remember i dont have to prove myself or work so hard I forget me. The men in my past that were good to me I somehow would good weird and they would go away. It was my fear of loosing them. The more they ignored me the more I tried to pull them in. And as odd as this sounds if they were good to me I wasnt always responsive in a good way or I walked away. Only one man understood this..oddly a cop. Dated for a short time and ended up being the best of friends. The dating ended do to his personal ife being a single dad to an 11 year old and a widow. But other men it wasnt healthy …I wasnt healthy. My story is getting better though.
Letting go of fear is hard and crucial especially if you have liven most of your life with one form of fear or another. How to make it go away was always my question to myself. But I have found the more I not only forgave my past, but also enjoyed my present and enjoyed who I am because of the past, the more the fear in my life has subsided. It is not completely gone, I still have some fears that I deal with on a daily basis, but I am dealing with them instead of shuffling them down to fester. It sounds like you are making your way through it all. You seem to recognize the things you need to and that is what will make you through it and come out the person you know you are. It is ok to remind yourself that the men you date is good to you, but you need to also feel that they are good to you also. The best way for that is to feel good for yourself. Journals are awesome for this! not only can you go back and re-look at how you have grown with how you feel, it is a great release! I hope you continue on the path you are on, it sounds like you are making headway to a brighter future for yourself and I know you deserve it!
Lynne McAuley says
Basically, I trust people but I know there are certain things that are deal breakers for me so I have my guard up about those things. I am getting much better at spotting what is going to make me crazy. I still get attracted to lunatics but pull the ripcord much faster. And I give the good ones more time to warm up.