Why Pulling Back Doesn’t Bring Him Closer
So you’ve been dating for a few months, the passion, chemistry and time together seems beautiful and constant. You’re beginning to believe this relationship has a chance. Your relationship seems like it’s on equal footing and you equally engage in initiating conversations. The bottom line is that you feel like you’re on the same page. In addition, you haven’t been needy or demanding.
Here’s the thing, all of a sudden he pulls away. Without warning, just a major pull back by him.
Now you decide not to do what so many others do which is reach out constantly in an anxious panic, but rather you decide to do the same as him (pull away) hoping his anxious side will bring him back. So when he finally reaches out with a text or email, you stall. A few hours go by and he reaches out again, and you stall or don’t respond altogether.
This is game playing and tantamount to playing chicken waiting to see who flinches first.
There is a belief that if you follow this tactic you can trigger a man’s anxious side and then you will be in control, almost like you will have him eating out of the palm of your hand.
Sorry friends, that only works for about a minute. Why he pulled back or why he disappeared happens for a reason. When you understand his “why” you can make better choices for your actions going forward. There is a cause to every action (even pulling away) and when we better understand someone we want to spend time with, the better our relationship will be. Rather than playing games, seek to understand.
Ask yourself the following: Could his life be in transition and does he have a lot on his plate? Does his personal distractions limit his ability to be fully in and does he have the same time as you do for a relationship? Has he cleared his past and is ready for a future? Does his life have passion and purpose or is he spinning circles?
Ask questions first before you take action. Maybe he needed space, maybe he’s deciding whether to move forward or to end the relationship. Before you play a game, call him and find out what’s up. Talk to him, learn what’s really going inside his head. If you’re friends, he’ll be honest and share his feelings accordingly. If he’s not ready for a serious relationship, better to know now before you fully give your heart. Have a conversation before you play a game.
Let me just say, all the game playing in the world will not change his circumstances. Seek to understand first before you react and your relationship has a winning chance. For more, CLICK HERE
“The most amazing physical chemistry in the world is no substitute for a friendship that speaks to the soul.” ~ Jonathon Aslay
Thanks for the advice Jonathon.
Laurie Waschenko says
Thank you for this, Jonathan! The question is, though, when he pulls way back and you know because he’s in transition, what does one do then? Especially when there has not been a conversation about the pull back. Do you let him just come to you or reach out every week or so just say a quick “hope you are well”.? And of course, he could be intentionally fading away so as to avoid an “it’s over conversation”.
Jonathon Aslay says
Laurie, if you know your man is going through transition and he pulls back, chances are he can only handle so much responsibility (mostly emotional) in the relationship. Men need to regroup when the weight is to heavy and in the space they reevaluate the importance of the relationship. Now often times they only come back for the sex (most women know they are being used, but have selective memory), but when a man has faced his demons, he’s in a better place to take on more in the relationship.
If a man pulls away, let him and go live your life. You’re not dependent upon him for your happiness. Now if the relationship has reached a partnership status, then by all means reach out and talk. Partnership are grow up relationships and even grown up men take a little space, but it’s rarely more than a few hours or a day.
The guy I was dating, pulled away for more than a week. I tried to ask him what was going on, but never answered my call nor my voicemail. He was very attentive to me and he was talking about future plans we could have. The last time I saw him everything was great and all of sudden he got silent. I started dating him because I have a friend who told me that he was a great guy and very responsible because he is rasing his kid on its own. I really would like to understand why but I don’t know how to approach him without him to have the impression I am needy. I am telling myself that he might got scared because of his failure in past relationships especially with the mother of the child… I am just in chock of this drastic change of attitude, I would really like to have him in my life, but if he’s is not ready I would like to know…
I disagree, some guys (and girls) are just jerks and pulling back does work. They often come running back begging for a relationship. They want to play games. Those type of men are not worthy of a real relationship. (I’ve been on both sides so I know) We’re not therapists, don’t try to “fix” them (you’ll get friendzoned). This isn’t to say that a little uncertainty wrong. Just be aware.
It’s very unfair and rude for men to pull away without giving an legit explanation. As adults we should be able to express how we’re feeling in a mature manner not by disappearing and leaving the other person clueless. GROW UP
I think a lot depends on how long you have been with each other beforehand…the longer you know someone the deeper the investment. We the guy l’d known for a year (6 months casually dating 6 months long distance due to work commitments) pulled away after some very heavy long term future relationship talk, l panicked but kept my cool and distance, l messaged him once after a week of no contact and he replied straight away but was cool he then contacted me briefly the following night then pulled back again for another week with no explanation l kept my cool then texted him again and just said ‘hey how’s things’ he responded straight away then called me he told me he had left his job a week ago and had just got his head straight. Just like Jonathon mentioned he was in a transition phase..l felt deep down that he wanted me to hang in there but he’s also concerned about losing his freedom but the way l coped with the distance worked in my favour l think. We expect people to deal with relationship issues the way we would but you cannot project onto other people this man has been through a lot. Who am l to have expectations when dealing with quite traumatic events when he did make contact l made sure the conversation was light and fun to ease his mind, be his safe place to fall lighten his load don’t we all want that show empathy and compassion not judgement, that’s what caring about someone is being there when needed. He knows l do not need him in my life l chose him because l liked what we bought out in each other he has made me feel so accepted admired and necessary as l have hopefully made him feel too. Where this leads who knows life is made up of a series of right now moments enjoy them and leave people feeling good it speaks volumes about your own inner strength, learn to love without attachment that’s when fear and insecurities take over.
I’ve been in my relationship for 8 years. I’m 37 and he’s 42. We live together. I’ve noticed since he’s turned 40/41 he’s gotten more anxious, up & down about things. Worried about his future. I’ve told told him it’s understandable, everyone hers to that point. We have had more fights in the last two yearStan ever/normal.
We are hanging on by a very thin thread right now because I’ve been noticing him pulling away (within the last 6 months) more than ever. I give him space, I work 12 hours/day, when I get home I’m gentle, and he stays in his phone or busy so I try to do the same.
It’s gotten to a point where we sleep in spectate rooms during the work week because I get up way earlier than him. When I get home, we don’t ignore each other but it’s not intimate anymore. He never comes to me doe sex, hugs, kisses..nothing. He reason all of that happens is because I’m initiating it. When I do imitate it, he even sometimes says he’s tired or if it’s panned with dirty talk all day, he is suddenly busy. The rejection is killing me. It’s actually painful. I didn’t want to get my mind to the point where I thought he might be talking and getting attention from another woman but now I’m there.
I don’t think he’s sleeping with anyone. I just don’t. He’s not a cheater. However, he is a flirt, and he’s very protective with his phone. On several occasions, he has gone away or out of the room to text will not pick up certain phone calls in front of me.
This has happened once before and it was a girl at work. We got over it. But that was when I was younger. He left a girl at the age of 36 for me when I was 29/30. I feel the same is happening. I know he’s hiding things. I’ve pulled away to give space, I’ve tried to talk about it and it puts him in the defensive. And most recently he has said he doesn’t care that I’m “not his wife” so he can do what he wants. I told him as long as he lived with me, he would not be able to do that. He couldn’t have me and options. I wasn’t going to be an option any longer.
We have the best life and memories together. When I’m with him I feel like it’s “home”. I can’t get him to come back. What do I do? Thanks for reading ❤️:/
Major typos above. My apologies. ??
WOMEN RUINED EVERYTHING FOR THEMSELVES WHEN THEY STARTED HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. NOW WOMEN ARE SO EASY TO GET THAT MEN DONT NEED TO PUT UP WITH ANY WOMAN FOR LONG WHEN THEY CAN GET A NEW ONE IN THE BED WITH THEM IN LESS THAN A DAY LATER AFTER DITCHING YOU. IT IS SAD BUT TRUE THAT WE JUST ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. THEY HAVE INSTANT FREE ACCESS TO ALL THE PORN THEY WANT ON THE INTERNET AND REAL WOMEN THAT ARE LESS ATTRACTIVE THEN THE ONES ON THE PORN SITES ARE JUST TOO MUCH BOTHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO ACTUALLY SPEAK TO THEM TO GET THEM TO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF, THERE ARE THOUSANDS MORE WOMEN THEN MEN IN EVERY STATE EXCEPT ALASKA.SO THERE ARE MORE SINGLE WOMEN OUT THERE THEN MEN AND THE ONES LEFT OUT ARE SCRAMBLING TO HAVE A MAN, ANY MAN AT ALL, THEY ARE NOT EVEN PICKY. SOME OF THESE MEN WITH NO JOBS OR HOMES OF THEIR OWN ARE MOVING IN WITH WOMEN AND NEVER HAVE TO PAY THEIR SHARE.THEY JUST BOUNCE FROM LIVING WITH ONE WOMAN TO THE NEXT, FREELOADING THEIR ENTIRE LIVES.THEY LEAVE AND GO TO THE NEXT WOMAN THEY HAVE LINED UP AS SOON AS THE CURRENT WOMAN STARTS COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS LAZINESS AND HIS FREELOADING. MEN ARE COMPLETELY DISGUSTING TO ME NOW THAT I FINALLY REALIZED HAVING ONE OR ACTUALLY TRYING TO KEEP ONE IS THE WORST THING THAT YOU CAN DO TO YOURSELF. YOU BECOME PARANOID THAT HE IS CHEATING BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE IS TRYING TO IF HE ISN’T AND YOU ARE EXPECTED TO LIVE AS HIS SLAVE AND DO EVERYTHING HE WANTS JUST SO HE WON’T LEAVE. AFTER YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE TO MAKE HIM HAPPY AND FIND OUT THAT HE STILL WON’T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU AT ALL, YOU BECOME SLIGHTLY PISSED OFF AND PROCEED TO START SOME PROTEST AND THEN HE WILL IMMEDIATELY GET ON HIS PHONE THAT YOU PROBABLY PAID FOR AND GETS ANOTHER WOMAN TO PICK HIM UP AND MOVE HIM INTO HER PLACE! IT IS NOT WORTH IT LADIES. BEING SINGLE IS MUCH BETTER AND WE HAVE TO FACE IT THAT THE LIVES OUR PARENTS HAD TOGETHER WHERE THEY WERE MARRIED FOR 60 YEARS IS NOT WHAT OUR LIVES WILL BE LIKE. THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT UNTIL WOMEN EVERYWHERE STOP SLEEPING WITH MEN BEFORE MARRIAGE! IF ONE WOMEN WON’T DO IT IT WONT HELP BECAUSE HE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO GO TO THE OTHERS FOR SEX AND WILL JUST DUMP HER FOR NOT GIVING HIM ANY. SHE WILL BE A 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN BEFORE SHE FINALLY GIVES IN AND HAS SEX WITH A GUY THAT HAS A 2 INCH FLACID PENIS AND CATCHES HERPES AMD DUMPS HER THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE SHE HAS HERPES.LOL