If you have even been in a relationship for any length of time you would agree with me that there can be many areas of conflict. One of the most frequent fields of concern is the lack of intimacy shared between a man and a woman. Unfortunately women have been conditioned to not even think twice of chasing after men with poor relational skills. They absolve men for shutting them out and holding them at a distance. They put up with abuses and excuses for their behavior. They hang on to the workaholics and don’t seem to recognize that these men are relationally incompetent at navigating love relationships. I believe the current problems men and women experience in relationships have something to do with a lack of a hero’s journey in men’s lives.
One of the things that would help men be more relational and create happier relationships would be to undertake a hero’s journey to intimacy.
Something I believe is crucial for men to be able to function at their highest level relationally is for them to experience the self realization found in a such a journey.
Let’s take a look at the Single Man
For the single man who seems to keep missing the mark when it comes to attaining relational success, the hero’s journey may not even seem appealing to him at first. But when he realizes that intimacy has escaped him yet again and he is at least partially responsible for the demise of another relationship, his eyes will begin to open. There comes a point when he understands that he must make changes in himself if he ever expects to attract and keep the right woman.
The single man will then choose to pursue an in-depth look at himself. He may make use of relationship professionals, their articles and books to comprehend his inner desires and defects. This is his time to conquer the mountains of self-doubt and confusion. This is his time to unveil and annihilate self-deception. This will be a season of great suffering for him, but he will endure because he now knows that the status quo will no longer allow him to attain the prize. He wants to love and be loved. Without him making the necessary changes he will dwell in defeat.
This is his juncture in which he digs deep to discover the love contained within his soul. This is his moment to learn what he never learned from the men who had surrounded him in his formative years.
This is when he acquires the ability to love, to give and to grow up.
Side Note From the Heart Protector of Women: If this is the type of partner you desire in a relationship, it would behoove you to know ahead of time if the man you are attracted to has already embarked on a hero’s journey of his own. If he has not, you could end up being wounded because he is not capable of an intimate relationship.
What about the Men in committed Relationships…
Just because a man may be in a marriage or relationship, we all know this does not mean he is happy, nor does it mean the woman is satisfied. If there is strife or struggle he needs to be emboldened to indulge in his own hero’s journey. The woman’s role in this relationship is critical. She will want to create a balance between encouraging her man to take the journey and allowing herself to become the much sought after prize. Critical comments and nagging won’t cut it. Allowing him to continue in his poor behavior won’t help him. Following him around like the faithful puppy won’t inspire him to change. But when the woman decides she will let him take the journey to become a hero and she will learn how to be the prize at the end of his quest, then she is on the right track.
When a guy thinks he’s got you no matter what, you lose value in his eyes. If he does not have to work for your love, affection and acceptance, he loses interest and motivation. If you were easily apprehended by him you will be easily tossed aside. Maybe not physically but emotionally for sure. There’s nothing worse for the woman who craves intimacy and instead gets ignored.
If the man you love has not gone through his own hero’s journey before you two connected, know that he will need to go through it to attain the levels of intimacy you so desire. The only difference between the single man’s journey and the committed man’s journey is that you, your passion, acceptance and love is his reward. You are the prize he must win.
The journey itself is not easy for him by any means. He will suffer the pangs of vulnerability, fear and disappointment. He will feel like the path is tricky and his foundations are shifting. This is not a road he has ever traveled before, so don’t try to move him along more quickly than he is able to go.
Be careful not to mock his failing. This is not the time to blame or get critical. Refrain from demanding attention at this point knowing he will be more open to discussion once he wins this war. Remember he is in a battle that only he can fight. He is climbing a mountain, unearthing enemies that have hounded him his whole life. He needs the space and grace to get through the struggle victoriously.
Instead, this is your time to be the princess. Don’t pursue him but rather peacefully remain at a distance and let him come to you. Let him fight for you. Once his journey is complete he will enjoy the man he has become and you will have the hero you desired all along.
Well done and clever but deceptively insightful post, Jonathon. Kudos!
Thanks Hilory *smiles*
Beautiful article, Jonathon! 🙂
So Happy you liked it Morgana
Wonderfully insightful post about the shared responsibilities and behaviors for a healthy, mature and passionate relationship. Well done, Jonathan.
Deb, I am not only touched, I am honored by your sweet comments to my post. I feel very passionate about sharing the journey men must take before they are truly ready for commitment.
Hugs
I feel like Rapunzel! =)
what is that dragon…exactly?
Jonathon, I just read this and am weeping. It is the most profound but simple answer to the question in my heart that has gone unanswered for so long. I really don’t even have words to describe how beautifully you have articulated an answer to a problem that has plagued relationships for who knows how long. I didn’t want to blame or shift all responsibility onto men, but have felt a rage and a pain over the weakness, the emotional immaturity and lack of courage of so many men that I’ve come in contact with… relationships and friendships alike. I wondered if it had to do with the lack of a mature male (father) influence in their life. I wondered what part women played in it. I lamented over it… since I was a little girl and watched my daddy slink away from his queen and his family because of what I came to believe was a childish fear or weakness. I am raising my own son, who is now 9 and have felt an overwhelming desire to raise him to be a man of strength, courage and maturity, especially when it comes to pursing and keeping his queen, his prize. Oh, I am rambling… but this article really took my breath away. I feel like I’ve stumbled on a gold mine. I wish my own daddy could’ve explained to me about being a queen up in a tower and not coming down until my man makes his hero journey to me. It is a beautiful word picture that I will carry with me. Tonight, the man I love walked out my door, possibly for good. I know he loves me deeply, but I also know he is weak and not courageous. I’ve felt it for a long time and have felt hopeless about it. He is a little boy that has not taken a hero journey. I will stay in my tower and let him take that journey. Both for him and for me. Thank you, Jonathon. I just don’t have words.
That was a nice story but I am alowly giving up I have oursued men and can not seem to stop that cycle. I am afraid I will not ever be pursued I am 45 and have never been much of a dater, I thought it was because of my weight and now that I have recently last a lot of weight I am unsure how to handle relationships with me. Once again, a very nice story.
3 weeks ago I walked away from my 5 year marriage . i love my husband. but he was not and had not for some time appreciated me or ever really demonstrated his committment to the marriage. i won’t go into details here. i did not pull the plug earlier because of our involvements and shared obligations. i planned this departure. 3 weeks ago, he made it very easy for me when he smashed my computer to smithereens. Smithereens. There are oodles of problems between us. I love him, he has been told that he is clinically depressed. he won’t get treatment. . After about 10 days of his trying to emotionally blackmail me, his cursing me out, nagging me etc etc, we finally had a conversation that resembled two adults speaking.
i said that i did this for me, and that I could not go back to living with him until i was sure i could live in peace.
he kept trying to get me tell him what to do . i did not. it does not work. He has made some decisions and I will be able to move back home (he is going to his family). He knows the two options are therapy or legal action. I did not ultimatum him. i am consistent in stating that I was doing for myself and i know that he will make the best decisions for himself.
so i assume he is on a hero’s journey. What do i need to see from him to know that his actions and words are those that i can trust, rather than him trying to manipulate me back into living together? I have said that i will be open to the possibility of living together again as long as his anxiety is no longer a threat to my peace of mind and financial health .
Two questions: How am I doing and what can we consider authentic change?
thanks!
Karen
Karen, we should set up a coaching session to help you “directly” answer this one.
Elaine, never give up… there is an abundance of great guys out there.
Do you have a link to this Hero’s Journey, Jonathon? I don’t know what it is.
Dear Lyla, As a special bonus for ordering my eCourse, I offer a one hour audio on the Hero’s Journey Click here http://understandmennow.com/how-men-think
Thoughts about this situation …
I’ve been married 12 1/2 years to a very strong, very successful, very confident (at least on the outside) and somewhat rigid man. When we first met, he was at a low point for him as an earlier business had taken a downward spiral. I was the breath of fresh air and the confidence builder he needed – bright, professional woman who was interested in him. Now, years later, 3 children later things seem to have been on a progressive decline in my value/worth to him. He has not learned to give, tolerate, be flexible – with me, or with others. Not absolute, but compromise has never been his strong point.
I lost myself too much during years of mothering very little ones, and multiple job changes /moves of our primary residence. I’m stronger now, pushing back a little, but still can get triggered to “defending myself when criticized/blambed/belittled, then crying/begging pleading etc.” I know that cycle is self defeating and not appealing, but will still slip into it at times.
How can I inspire him to see that “his way,” is not going to get him a loving relationship and a happy home, without employing nuclear tactics … separating or something like that? I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t want to continue like this for years, especially since I’m not sure that things are not getting worse. Therapy is not going to be an accepted option … the trigger for change has to be unilateral, at least for now.
In his mind, at least what he will say when upset … he is fine with where things are, he is done caring about me or my feelings, and claims he has figured out how to get his emotional needs met elsewhere (by doing things with the kids – often including me, but it feels like it is “for convenience and because the boys want/need me.” He copes with his emotions/stress with episodic high energy bursts of activities focused on “giving the kids the right experiences they need to be successful,” which often involve very high expectations (but he doesn’t keep these up for very long.) He will also shut down and hybernate while watching hours of sitcom’s on Hulu, or reading geopolitical blogs – he works from home, high stress entrepreneur. – I’m certain there isn’t another relationship – his words are just his defensiveness against wanting to looking at anything … although I see the potential for that if we do not get to a better place.)
Maria, Sometimes a man needs to lose something until he appreciates it. When I was young, my mother ran away (well down the block anyway) before my father rushed to beg her back.
So the question becomes … how to shift that dynamic? How to do the equivalent of “starting to explore other options,” if you were dating, but when married?
I’m not ready to move out … afraid it would be too hurtful not only for our kids, but for all of us, at this time. I need an earlier step. I’m trying to “not care about what is going on for him,” and “do my own thing,” reconnect with friends etc., which is sometimes difficult, but I’m working towards it. I have _finally_ learned that discussing any of this is counterproductive, and just subjects me to hearing really horrible words I don’t think he truely means.
Thanks
Oye ve…I think I’m with a man in the middle of this journey. He has been in counseling (which I applaud his willingness to look in the mirror and seek understanding and different choices) prior to before he and I dating. He is finished with counseling and has called me before or after every appointment for the past 5-6 months. I am the first one he calls, and as long as I relax and don’t pursue him, he continues to move towards me. We have a very strong connection on many dimensions and are sexually attracted to each other…but able to wait for now…so hard.
Excellent article Jonathan! Thank you.
Thank you