Recently a woman asked me why I am still single. While the question sometimes annoys me, it’s a fair question given what I do. In fact, the question most annoys me because I think people in general believe that being single is some sort of disadvantage in life. For instance, people think if someone is single they must be unhappy. I can say that in my situation that’s simply not true.

Currently, I’m in an awesome relationship with myself, so I’m not about to cheat. However, to be more serious, for years I’ve approached relationships from a codependent place and it was time to break that pattern. So the time I am spending with myself right now now is by design to reconnect with me. I am learning to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer. No longer do I have to come from a needy place to experience love because love is slowly residing in me and it’s a beautiful relationship indeed.

So to say I’m single is not quite the truth. In all reality I am not single. I am in a positive relationship with myself and I am fully enjoying it! It’s a whole new way of being in the world.

With that said, I do want to be in a fully committed partnership soon with one who meets me where I live (both figuratively & literally), who is aligned with my values, with whom I have a strong mutual attraction and with whom I can see a future. When the right woman crosses my path, let’s just say she will experience the deepest riches of love imaginable because I’ll be giving love from my overflow and she will have my heart.


Be Positively Single

Now my way of approaching singledom and dating is practiced by few. Too many times I see women rush from one relationship to the next. This creates codependency and there is no breathing room to gain balance and perspective. I would encourage anyone who is feeling overwhelmed, confused and lost after so many partnerships to just take a break. In fact, I believe when you invest in yourself you will be more likely to succeed in the long term.

I think the biggest change in my perspective from codependency to healthy independence was realizing that my happiness needed to be created through my life and by me. I spend time getting to know myself, and most importantly I spend time reflecting on how to be the best version of me when interacting in all of my relationships. I know I want to be ready for the woman who will arrive in my life. The only way to do that is to spend time growing and evolving and enjoying that process.

If you are hearing my tune, I encourage you to get your mind off dating and figure out what you need in your life to make you happy. Is it yoga? Healthy meals? Exercise? Where can you leverage your time to continue developing and learning while also appreciating what you already have to offer. I also encourage you to practice healthy relationships with family and friends.

My second tip is probably not going to be the most popular but in order to enter a relationship that looks better than your last, you have to take responsibility for where it may have gone wrong on your end. What could you do differently moving forward? What do you need to forgive from others and yourself? I am going to warn you, this process takes time and takes a lot of courage. It’s easy to blame others for everything but if you are hoping to evolve, blaming others for your mistakes isn’t go to work,

My third tip is probably the most important in terms of moving forward. You need to be positively single. This means you have the confidence and awareness to go out and have some fun by yourself with no expectation that you are going to meet the man of your dreams that night. You are hoping first and foremost to connect with your heart and your soul. This is, after all, deep work. And when you show up for you, you’re not whining about how you could be thinner, prettier or smarter. No my friends, positively single means you have accepted what and who you are and if you don’t like some aspect of yourself, then you are working proactively to feel better about it.

Put the Time In

Now I am going to warn you, it is so easy to jump back into dating after a couple of weeks of trying this out. I encourage you to hold off! Make a commitment to self improvement and you will get the everlasting results. It takes time to break old patterns, habits, and negative thinking. How long do you want a successful relationship with yourself? I am pretty sure the answer is a lifetime. So give it time.

Take the time to really make sure you are back on your feet. Take the time to truly get to know yourself and most of all take the time to establish new positive patterns. I can’t say for sure how long this time should last, but I believe you will know when you are ready. The voice inside of you will tell you that you are ready to be the woman that you have always imagined yourself to be and you are ready to be the kind of woman a good deserving man wants!

This advice might sound old school. In fact if you have never been alone, this might sound downright scary. I have to admit, facing ourselves is probably the hardest work we will ever do in this lifetime. I can also promise you thought, it is absolutely worth it. Once you know yourself, trust yourself and enjoy yourself no one can take that sense of worthiness and confidence away from you.

As for me, I am holding out until the right woman comes along. I am also most definitely going to enjoy my own company.  Sharing an overflow of love and abundance with a lover begins with each of us and it happens on the inside not the outside. It means you have to do the hard work of getting there first before you can host a lover in this place. I know that I want to be in that overflow when I meet the woman of my dreams. How about you?

2016-11-16T01:11:21+00:00 By |Love, Mindset, Relationships|

About the Author:

Dating is a challenge for everyone. Regardless of age or circumstance, we all struggle to find our perfect match. As someone who has graduated with honors from life’s virtual University of Dating, Jonathon Aslay assists women in finding that seemingly elusive man with whom they can have both compatibility and passion.


  1. E-prime August 24, 2016 at 4:29 am - Reply

    beautiful piece, can totally relate cos i’m at this point in my life where i just enjoy being single,getting to know myself and making room for self improvement

  2. Barbara Hunt August 28, 2016 at 6:09 am - Reply

    Kudos to you for your growth and your honesty and humility!!!

  3. Gina Hall August 28, 2016 at 6:45 pm - Reply

    I totally agree. I hear it enough myself. It can be so annoying.

  4. Mary August 29, 2016 at 1:42 am - Reply

    I’m right where you are, Jonathan, in a committed relationship with myself. After my last breakup, it was clear I needed a break from dating and relationships, to recover, to process, to forgive, to learn, to grow, and to get back to that happy single gal I used to be, so that when the right man comes along, I’m the right woman. Thanks for spelling out our work, so that others might understand and perhaps emulate, as necessary.

  5. Courtney Hughes August 29, 2016 at 3:37 pm - Reply

    I too am a relationship coach and recently went through the work myself and completely agree. I spent enough time alone to fall back into love with myself and move on from the mistakes of the past. Good luck on your search!

  6. Zoe September 28, 2016 at 1:57 pm - Reply

    Interestingly, this article came my way through synchronicity, and it’s definitely filled with points I know are crucial for every woman and every man!

  7. M mac October 2, 2016 at 4:27 pm - Reply

    I would add this; passion have several, get one or at least five. And stick with them. For years I always put mine on hold for the other persons choices. What a bad plan. Now as teacher I communicate often; find passion, not in another person but what makes your heart sing and brings an enteral hell yes this is my thing!

  8. lady lee November 23, 2016 at 9:07 am - Reply

    Amazing article! Thank you 🙂

  9. Maureen December 3, 2016 at 2:20 pm - Reply

    Hello Jonathon,

    I just found your site. I listened to a couple of MP3s, I took notes and then I found this post. This is the one that really speaks to me now and I cannot thank you enough for writing this. I have been in two serious relationships in my life. Between the two, they have spanned 36 years. I am now single for the first time since I was 19 years old. I really need to take this time as you described to develop that relationship with myself, honor myself and give thanks and gratitude for what I have in life.

    Thank you again, so very much,


    • Jonathon Aslay December 3, 2016 at 5:13 pm - Reply

      Maureen, Thank you for this kind note… much appreciated. 🙂

  10. Lisa Dee May 9, 2017 at 5:26 pm - Reply

    I think this advice may fall on deaf ears for many, because until you reach a certain point you don’t get it. I finally do! I have been happily single for 5 months. Although I have several men interested, I realize they don’t get it. I am waiting for the one who does… who has done the work… who is complete.

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