Why Men Need To Feel Like They Can Leave, In Order To Stay
Have you ever experienced dating a man and it seems like all he wants is his freedom? You’re not alone. Did you know this is very common amongst most men?
This morning I received the following email and I wanted to share with my loyal readers:
Why do certain men continually call, spending regular time with you, but they want to be free?
As your guy spy into the male mind I’m here to help.
Have you ever had a guy do the following? He calls regularly to make plans to be with you. He sends you check in text messages. He introduces you to his family and friends. He wants exclusivity and monogamy. And he’s really into YOU. All the things that suggest he’s serious.
Maybe you energetically feel distance from him. Maybe you don’t feel as close as you like. Maybe you feel like he wants freedom. Maybe you’re right.
Yes, you’re probably right.
As your heart protector, do you want to learn about men & freedom?
We go deeper into this question in my eCourse The Relationships Men Commit To and Why.
But for now, let me help you on the fly and share a personal story.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’m deliriously in love or is it madly in love? Kinda funny how both those terms sound like I’m out of my mind. How about… I’m happily in love. Yes, for the past 2 years I’ve experienced the most fulfilling relationship in my life. It’s true, I really have.
But there were moments in the early stages of our relationship where I wanted OUT.
Yes that’s right, I wanted OUT. In fact, I did a major PULL BACK.
Now here’s the thing, she did nothing to trigger it. She was the easiest relationship I’ve ever had. She didn’t overwhelm me with text. She didn’t call all the time trying to figure out what I’m doing. She wasn’t pressing me for marriage.
In fact, overall she was pretty laid back.
She loved spending time with me. She was open, responsive and loving. She was into me, she cared about me, she liked me. And she gave me the space to set the pace.
She did all the things I coach my clients.
She was the perfect girlfriend (and still is).
But, I still wanted OUT. Let me clarify, it was a moment here and there I felt I needed freedom.
Here’s the thing, men need to feel/see an exit door when we are in a relationship.
What do you mean Jonathon?
We need to feel that we can leave at any time. We need to feel like we’re in control. We need to feel like we’re choosing to stay, not that we must stay. And we need to know if we leave, you’re gonna be ok on your own. Let me say that again, we need to know that we can leave and you’ll be ok.
This is like seeing the exit door in a theater, but choosing to stay and watch the movie.
Relationships are a choice and men need to know it’s safe before we can commit. In many ways we test our own ability to commit by pulling back to make sure we want to go forward.
It’s just the way we operate.
So in that moment I pulled away, I might have bolted if my beloved put pressure on me. If sweetheart had an agenda not in sync with mine, it might have been over. If my girlfriend got to the destination before I did, I might not be sharing how happy I am right now.
The exit door had to be in my sights, even if I didn’t want to walk through it.
The good news was, because I felt happy and no pressure, I wanted to stay. Yes, I needed to feel like I could leave in order to stay.
Now you might be thinking “why do men need to see an exit sign?”
There probably a dozen reasons why relating to caveman days, but does it really matter?
Forget the why for a moment and just accept that “it just is.”
Freedom is part of who we are as men. Freedom gives us the courage to take on the world. Freedom is what gives us our swagger. Freedom is what makes us charming. Freedom is what gives us our strength. Freedom is how we make our choices, because when we feel free, we speak and act from our heart.
And the freedom to choose you, is sexier than being forced to.
Imagine that, freedom is sexy.
When we make the choice to be with you above all others, that’s sexy. When we know we can walk out at anytime and choose you, that’s hot.
So here are 3 mistakes women make when they feel a man’s exit sign blinking.
1) Overwhelm him with text/emails to solicit communication.
2) Obsess what they might have done wrong, which creates stress.
3) Thinking it’s over before it is.
There’s a bio chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.
So here are 3 things to remember if you think he’s about to bolt.
1) Almost all men pull away at some point.
2) This is the time to grab your own hand and hold your own heart, not his.
3) Don’t freak out, it happens in all stages of the relationship (often before going deeper to love).
So the next time you feel his exit sign blinking, just relax and remember my three tips. If he’s happy and there’s no pressure, chances are he’s not going anywhere. And if he does leave, was he really the man for you anyway?